


Heart Emoji

by NotEvenCloseToStraight



Series: Group Texting Shenanigans [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Awkward Conversations, Bromance, Bruce Banner Is So Done, Candy, Cheesy, Clintasha - Freeform, Dating, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Group Texting, Lingerie, M/M, Romance, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Shenanigans, Texting, Thor is Hilarious, Thundershield - Freeform, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, planning dates, valentines day, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-26 21:39:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17753966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenCloseToStraight/pseuds/NotEvenCloseToStraight
Summary: It's Valentines Day and our favorites are back to their group texting shenanigansTony has a very romantic night planned for Bucky, Clint is cranky because Natasha hasn't been around to give him that good lovin', Steve asks for some help with a *specific* Vday present for Thor and Sam and Bruce have been whispering and scheming and honestly, no one knows what those two are up to.Buckle up for tooth rotting fluff, TMI about Clintasha's bedroom habits, a shopping trip that leaves Steve scandalized, smooshy lovey dovey conversations, and a reminder that Valentines Day is also for non nekkid/ non romantic things too.





	1. Chapter 1

**From Tony** :  _Alright, I’d like to officially welcome everyone to the grand opening of our Valentines Day Group Chat. Welcome welcome._

**From Clint** :  _Good god, that’s actually what he named the group chat. The Grand Opening of Our Valentines Day Group Chat. Tony, wtf?_

**From Tony** :  _Just because you don’t have any creativity and never come up with good chat names doesn’t mean you have to get all pissy because mine’s great. Chill out Archer-man._

**From Clint** :  _Yours isn’t great, Tony. You literally just named it after the topic of conversation. Sort of like your awesome superhero name. Iron Man because you’re a man who flies around in an iron bucket. Very clever._

**From Tony** :  _AN IRON WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?_

**From Sam** :  _Bucky, step in and save your man. Clint’s on a warpath._

**From Bucky** :  _Let’s be real Sammy boy, I don’t think it’s my man that needs to be saved. If Clint doesn’t stop insulting Tony’s suit, you’re gonna find your favorite bird friend fried and served with gravy for dinner tonight._

**From Sam** :  _Noted. Clint, back the hell off. Why are you so cranky, man?_

**From Clint** :  _I’m not cranky, you winged bitch._

**From Bucky** :  _YOU WINGED BITCH! Open mouthed laughing emoji._

**From Natasha** :  _You’re cranky my love, and I know it’s my fault. I promise I’m coming home in forty eight hours and then I will make up for every moment I’ve missed with you._

**From Clint** :  _I’m not cranky! Also, did Frosty just spell out which emoji he’s using?_

**From Natasha** :  _Yes, he did and yes you’re cranky._

**From Steve** :  _Little bit cranky, Barton._

**From Bruce** :  _I smiled at you yesterday and you tried to bite me._

**From Sam** :  _I tried to spar with you and you put an arrow in my foot._

**From Bucky:**   _You favorite show went to commercial last night and you threw the remote at the tv._

**From Tony** :  _WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LIVING ROOM TV_

**From Clint** :  _Okay so maybe I’m a little cranky. But in my defense, Natasha has been gone a week later than she was supposed to be so I’m week late for my usual loving._

**From Bucky** :  _Use your hand, dude. That’s what they’re there for. Pick a hand and go to town. Use the other hand for the stranger experience._

**From Steve** _: God Bucky, you spend so much time with Tony you’re starting to talk to him._

**From Tony** _: WHAT I have never said anything like that in my life. What the hell is the stranger experience? Bucky what sort of things do you watch when I’m not home??_

**From Sam** :  _Also, there’s so many things wrong with that sentence Frosty, I don’t even know where to begin. Like first of all, hands are there for so much more than solitary loving._

**From Natasha** : _And second of all?_

**From Sam** :  _Honestly, I didn’t think I needed a second of all, wasn’t the first thing enough?_

**From Tony** :  _Okay okay okay Clint is cranky because he hasn’t been laid in a while and Bucky has no idea what hands are for and has apparently been watching less than family friendly films. BUT seriously can we start talking about Valentines Day?_

**From Bruce** :  _Before we get started on whatever shenanigans Tony has planned, can we agree to keep the pink and red decorations to a minimum?_

**From Tony** :  _Absolutely not_.

**From Steve** :  _Bruce, it seems as if it’s too late to butt in on the shenanigan planning. I’m not a real big fan of pink and red either but if Tony is already naming the group chat, all we can do is buckle in for the ride_

**From Bucky** :  _Strap ourselves in and feel.the.g’s._   

**From Sam** :  _That sounds frightening, but yeah Brucie bear. Too late to stop this thing from happening._

**From Clint** :  _I will literally tear down every scrap of pink and red I find. I’ll do it. I swear._

**From Natasha** :  _Clint, stop that. Don’t destroy Tony’s fun just because you’re horny. I told you I will be home in forty eight hours. Tony can I request a very blood red and very pale pink please?_

**From Tony** :  _Horrifying blood red and the palest pink of the softest rose. Got it_.

**From Bruce** :  _So that’s it? I don’t get a say in the decorations?_

**From Steve** :  _Probably not_

**From Sam** :  _Probably not_

**From Natasha** :  _Probably not_

**From Bucky** :  _Probably not_

**From Clint** :  _Well I don’t get a say in anything either, so join the party Bruce._

**From Tony** :  _OH MY GOD CLINT STOP SULKING YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME AND BUCKY TONIGHT AS LONG AS YOU SHUT UP_

**From Bucky** :  _Uhhhhh no he most definitely cannot, you take that back right now._

**From Clin** t:  _No wait, I’m actually on board with this. Pretty sure getting to feel up on Tony’s booty will cheer me up and tide me over until the wifey gets home._

**From Bucky** :  _You will shut the hell up or I will shut you the hell up, do you understand me? Don’t you talk about Tony’s booty like that. Where’s the goddamn gun emoji??_

**From Steve** :  _Sheesh guys, for a Valentines Day themed group chat there is a lot of threats going around. I thought we were going to talk about dinner and how many flowers we’re getting each other and maybe candy._

**From Natasha** :  _It’s literally adorable how being with Thor has turned Steve into a sap. Are you looking forward to Valentines Day, Captain?_

**From Steve** :  _I really am. Really am. Thor spoils me so much and I can’t way to do something wonderful for him. In fact, I have some ideas that I would love some help carrying out if anyone wants to volunteer?_

**From Tony** :  _I 100% volunteer to help you with making Valentines Day with Thunder Thighs as amazing as possible._

**From Natasha** :  _I want to help as well, but mostly because you blush incredibly red every time things get sweet between you and Thor and it makes for the best blackmail pictures._

**From Bruce** :  _Ah yes, blackmail. The very heart of that loving Valentines Day spirit. So are all you various couples going off and doing things for Valentines Day? Will I have the place to myself?_

**From Tony** :  _Bucky and I are going out._

**From Steve** :  _Thor and I probably won’t be going out, but we will  be hiding away in our room._

**From Clint** :  _You won’t see me and Natasha for a week._

**From Natasha:**   _Can confirm. An entire week._

**From Sam** :  _Brucie bear. I’d like to talk you about that, if I could._

**From Bruce** :  _About what?_

**From Sam** :  _About you being alone while everyone else is paired off. We should talk about that._

**From Bruce** :  _Why would we need to talk about that?_

**From Steve** :…  _what is happening?_

**From Bruce** :  _Sam, what do you mean?_

**From Sam** :  _I’m just saying maybe you don’t have to be alone on Valentines Day. I’d like to spend the day with you, and if that sounds like something you’d be interested in, we should talk._

**From Steve:**   _Seriously, what is happening?_

**From Tony:**   _I’m just as confused as you, Spangles._

**From Bucky** :  _Are Sam and Bruce–_

**From Clint** :  _Nope. But I mean… maybe?_

**From Natasha** :  _Bruce is a catch, Sam is lucky to have him_

**From Tony** :  _No I agree, Bruce is a catch but…_

**From Bruce** :  _Sam, that sounds like something I’m interested in._

**From Sam** :  _Good to know. I’m off to the gym kids, Steve and Frosty you gonna meet me there?_

**From Steve** :  _Uh, yep?_

**From Bucky** :  _Sure. Tony, I’ll pick you up for dinner tonight okay? Heart emoji._

**From Tony** :  _Yes_.

**From Tony** :  _WAIT! Bucky did you just type out heart emoji?_

**From Clint** :  _Wow. It’s almost like your boyfriend is a hundred years old and doesn’t know how to use a phone._

**From Tony** :  _Yeah, well at least my boyfriends around to give me a dicking down so I’m not a sourpuss all the time_

**From Natasha** :  _He has a point, husband of mine._

**From Clint:**   _Just hurry up and get home, Tasha._

**From Bruce** :  _For all our sakes because if Clint tries to bite me again I’m going put a muzzle on him._

**From Natasha** :  _Noted_

**From Tony** :  _This was the least productive Valentines Day chat ever._

**************

“Thor!” Bucky raised his hand in greeting and from across gym, Thor waved back. “Y'know, I don’t even get why he works out. Is there anything in here that actually puts any strain on his muscles?”

“I dunno.” Sam shrugged. “Wouldn’t think so, right? What’s he gonna do, bench press the entire gym? I read in an article that one time Thor put an ass whoopin’ on a celestial and the shock wave from the beating would have literally destroyed a planet if Thor hadn’t stopped it from happening.”

“Did you read that in a comic book?” Steve looked up from taping his knuckles. “Sam? Did you read that in a comic book?”

“I said I read it in an  _article_.”

“We know what you said.” Bucky smirked over at Steve. “But we’re asking if you read it in a comic book.”

“Okay yes!” Sam threw his hands up. “ _Yes_! I read it in a comic book! But come on, Steve is  _literally_  banging the god of Thunder. As in, the one that entire civilizations worshiped and whole comic book series and some pretty terrible Saturday morning cartoons were made about. Thor.  _Literally_  a god. Of course I read it in a comic book!”

“Ain’t like he read it in the Bible.” Bucky pointed out. “Comic book makes just as much sense as anything else.”

“You’re both stupid.” Steve motioned for Sam to join him in the boxing ring. “We working out or what?”

“Answer me one more question.” Sam dodged a quick blow from Steve. “Cracking on other god-like creatures and exploding planets aside, why doesn’t Thor text? He loves everything about Midgard except for like, pineapples. And he loves the TV, so why doesn’t he love phones or texting?”  

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The next punch was a little harder, Steve frowning. “Let’s just spar.”

“Nope hold on, now I wanna know.” Bucky leaned over the side of the ring, pushing his hair out of his face. “Why don’t your man like texting? I barely like it but I join in cos Tony loves to talk like that and I don’t really feel comfortable being left out of group chats.”

“Yeah Frosty, when you aren’t part of the chat we talk all sorts of shit.” Sam informed him, scrambling out of the way when Bucky winged a boxing glove at him. “I mean  _all_  kinds of shit. You should hear how Tony talks about you when you aren’t around.”

“Does he talk about my dick?” Both Steve and Sam grimaced and Bucky grinned in satisfaction. “Yeah, my baby loves that Winter lovin’.”

“Anyway.” Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to Steve. “How come Thor doesn’t text? Please tell me it’s something about how his big sausage fingers can’t work on the touch screen.”

“It’s not that.” Steve cleared his throat. “It’s uh– well one day I was messing with the vibe feature on my phone since I don’t like the ring tones? And I thought it would be funny to put my phone on Thor’s leg while we were group texting.”

“….and?” Bucky prompted when Steve stalled for a minute. “And what did Thunder Thighs do?”

“…you guys blew up my phone with the group chat and Thor–” Steve sighed out loud. “It scared the hell out of him because he wasn’t expecting the vibe to be that strong and he zapped it.”

“He zapped it?” Sam echoed. “Like, your phone buzzed a little and the god of Thunder got a scared and called his holy lightning and fried your phone?”

“It’s not–” Steve clenched his jaw irritably. “It’s not  _holy_  lightning.”

“It’s sort of holy lightning, Cap.” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “Is that why you were MIA from group chat for a week? Thor fried your phone?”

“That’s exactly why.”

“Well that’s better than my theory.” Sam snarked, tagging Steve’s shoulder with his right. “I figured your big ass just sat on the damn thing.”

“Sorry to disprove that little theory.” Steve said dryly. “Now come on, I thought we were going to spar.”

“Yeah all right.”

Bucky watched them in silence for a few minutes, then spoke up again when they took a break for water. “Stevie, what’re’ya doin’ for Thor for Valentines Day? You said you needed help with it.”

“Oh no, I’m not telling either of you what I’m doing for Thor.” Steve shook his head. “Nuh-uh. No way.”

“I’m offended.” Sam gasped, and Bucky insisted– “We’re your best friends! How you not gonna tell us what you’re doing for your boyfriend? We were the ones cheering for you two to get together the entire time! It’s not like we’re gonna make fun of you!”

“Oh yeah?” Steve challenged, folding his arms. “You aren’t going to make fun of me? Alright then. Bucky, tell me what you are thinking right now.”

“….I don’t want to.”

“Bucky.”

“Alright alright.” The big soldier made a face. “I was just thinking that you must have found a mega supportive sports bra cos them tiddies are lookin’ mighty perky today.”

“Mmm-hmm.” Steve sounded less than impressed. “Sam? What about you?”

“Was wonderin’ how many times you had to wash and shrink your shirt to get it that tight.” Sam muttered. “I can see the outline of your nips, man. Not only your actual nips? But also the  _outline_  of them.”

“And that’s why I’m not telling you what I’m doing for Thor.” Steve decided. “Because you assholes can’t go more than five minutes without making fun of me.”

“You know what, that’s fair.” Sam shrugged and Bucky shrugged too. “You deserve a secret or two.”

“Are we keeping secrets, my love?” Thor came up on the conversation and Sam had to bite back another smart remark when Steve basically leapt over the side of the ring and right into Thor’s arms.

“Hello beloved.” Thor murmured, and Steve all but melted into him, looping both his arms over Thor’s neck and pulling him down for a long kiss, whispering something that had the demi-god rumbling and the lights flickering as his power pulsed around them.

“Annnnnnd Stevie’s done with the workout.” Bucky ducked under the rope so he could spar with Sam instead. “Any time the fuckin’ lights start going crazy it means they’re bout to get naked.”

“You don’t gotta tell me that.” Sam shuddered theatrically. “I used to room next to Steve back when they thought they were being incognito but were  _not_  in fact being incognito at all.”

“That sounds terrible and awkward.”

“You have no idea.” They fell into an easy rhythm together, not even breaking a sweat yet when Sam added, “What are you and Tony doing?”

“Tony made a point of tellin’ me he wants to show me how far hotels have come.” Bucky didn’t bother blocking Sam’s next swing, just batted it out of the air as if it were nothing more than a mosquito, laughing when Sam scowled at him. “I dunno what he means by that, but I know m’gettin’ laid and that’s all I care about.”

“Right. Because Valentines Day is about sex–” another punch swatted away and Sam’s scowl deepened. “–and not about admitting feelings or enjoying the already established feelings or nothing like that.”

“Nope.” Bucky was still laughing. “Just sex! Oh, but that reminds me–” suddenly he wasn’t laughing and Sam’s eyes widened when the next punch wasn’t a punch at all but a metal fist closing in his shirt, yanking him forward until he was eye to eye with Bucky.

“I dunno what the hell you’re doin’ with Bruce?” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “But tread  _lightly_.”

“Bucky–” Sam wheezed a little and Bucky shook his head.

“Tread  _lightly_ , Sam. You aren’t gonna mess with him, you hear?”

“Damn, Buck.” Sam jerked away– or rather, Bucky let him go. “Why do you think I’d be messing with Bruce?”

“Cos I’ve watched you walk into a bar and walk back out with someone to spend th’night with fifteen minutes later.” Bucky said flatly. “But Bruce isn’t into–” he made a vague motion. “Sex isn’t his thing. Neither is romance. You need’ta know that before you start getting handsy.”

“Okay for the record, I’m not  _getting handsy_  with Bruce.” Sam rubbed at his neck uncomfortably. “And how do you know that anyway? About him and sex, I mean.”

Bucky chewed at his lip for a few seconds, wondering exactly how much to tell Sam, then– “Alright. Well back when I was having trouble adjusting to normal life and all–”

“Before you and Tony started humping it out?”

“–yeah, before me and Tony started humping it out.” he confirmed. “I ended up talkin’ to Bruce for a bit and he told me it was alright cos he wasn’t into sex either and that I wasn’t broken or nothing. Told me that sometimes after going through what we’ve been through, that sorta thing can go away, or maybe it wasn’t there at all and that’s fine. He made me feel less like a–”

Bucky made a vague sort of motion. “– It was just one more thing that was wrong with me, you know? But he told me that it wasn’t something  _wrong_  with me, just like it ain’t something wrong with him.”

“Oh.” Sam crossed his arms as he thought about what Bucky had said. “I didn’t know any of that. Didn’t know Bruce didn’t do… any of that.”

“Well now you do, and I’m telling you to be careful with'em.” Bucky watched Sam for a minute. “Does that change your Valentines Day plans?”

“Not  _once_  did I say my plans involved sex.” Sam protested, and Bucky called to Thor– “Thor! You ever spend a Valentines Day with someone and not got them into bed?”

“Of course not!” Thor boomed. “Holidays are a time for bodies to be entwined on various surfaces and beneath various blankets!”

“You hear that, Sam? Various surfaces.”

“I have every intention of having my beloved as many ways as he will let me.” Thor continued, framing Steve’s face with his hands and drawing him into a passionate kiss. “And as many  _times_  as you will let me, Steven. Sweetheart, I would have you in my arms every moment the sun is traveling its path across the skies and even as the moon rises to greet the stars.”

“Oh god–” Bucky made a gagging motion. “How does Stevie listen to all that with a straight face?”

“You say that sorta bullshit to Tony too.” Sam scoffed. “Thor just says it all prettier. You and Tony are just as smooshy and gross.”

Bucky grinned, flushing a light pink. “Yeah, we sort of are, aren’t we?”

“Oh for fucks sake, I didn’t say that so you’d start looking all stupid, I was trying to make you feel bad about yourself and your ridiculous behavior!”

“Well it didn’t work.”

“Yeah.  _Apparently_.”

***************

**From Steve** :  _Hey, are either of you two busy today?_

**From Natasha** :  _Either of us two? Is it just Tony and I on this chat? My oh my Captain, keeping secrets from the rest of the team are we? How very spy like of you, I completely approve._

**From Tony** :  _Steve would literally make the worst spy ever, he’s entirely too patriotic to sneak in anywhere. People would see him coming a thousand miles away. Oh no! Here comes America! Hide the oil reserves!_

**From Steve:**   _Tony, you know I have a stealth suit, right? You designed my stealth suit. Dark blue, blends into the shadows real well– what do you mean I can’t sneak in anywhere?_

**From Tony** :  _Spangles, I could literally put you in camouflaging nano-particles that make you invisible to the human eye, but you carry that big ass frisbee everywhere you go and sort of ruin the stealth factor._

**From Natasha** :  _HERE COMES AMERICAS FRISBEE! HIDE THE OIL RESERVES!_

**From Steve** :  _Neither of you are funny._

**From Natasha** :  _I beg to differ, I think I’m quite hilarious._

**From Tony** :  _Absolutely hilarious._

**From Steve** :  _Are you two done? Can I talk now?_

**From Tony** :  _Stars and Gripes is upset because he started a group chat but now he’s being left out._

**From Natasha** :  _Never got over that complex from being pre-serum and never picked to play kickball on the playground huh?_

**From Steve** :  _Oh my god, why am I friends with you people?_

**From Tony** :  _Because you’re planning something for Thor that requires my genius and Natasha’s skills? Or is it my money and Natasha’s advice? Use of one of my homes and Natasha as a bodyguard? I’ve got a thousand ideas, stop me if I get it right._

**From Steve** :  _You’re not getting it right._

**From Natasha** :  _Alright then Rogers, tell us why you need our help._

**From Steve** :  _I don’t really know what to get Thor for Valentines Day. He is over the top romantic and you know… a god? So just chocolates and a cheesy card isn’t going to cut it._

**From Natasha** :  _Can confirm, that’s no way to impress a god._

**From Tony** : _Have you thought about doing something FOR him? Hammer man seems the type to be more impressed because you thought of doing something together that he will love versus being impressed because you bought him something. Also, you have no money, so that’s sort of your only option._

**From Steve** :  _I have money!_

**From Natasha** :  _Not enough to impress a god._

**From Tony** :  _Or a Stark_

**From Steve** :  _NOTED._

**From Tony** :  _Have you asked Thor what he wants?_

**From Steve** :  _Yes, he said he wants to have me in as many ways as I would let him, for as long as I would let him, and wants me in his arms as the sun travels across the sky and as the moon rises to greet the stars._

**From Tony** :  _Are you serious? And you didn’t rip his clothes off right then and there?_

**From Steve** :  _Well I mean, we were in the gym._

**From Tony** :  _And? How was that a deterrent? There’s mats on the floor. Holy shit, I think I might be a little in love with Thor after that line._

**From Natasha** :  _What a panty-dripper._

**From Steve** :  _I’m sorry, what did you just say?_

**From Tony** :  _100% agree. Not currently wearing panties, but if I were….boy howdy._

**From Natasha** :  _Boy howdy is the least sexiest thing you could possibly say after a woman admits to the current status of her underthings being less than Sahara like._

**From Tony** :  _Less than Sahara like? Nat I’m literally crying with laughter._

**From Steve** :  _I’M SORRY WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT KIND OF CONVERSATION IS THIS?_

**From Natasha** :  _Idk Cap, you’re the one who started it._

**From Tony:**   _Yeah, what did you want to talk about again? I got sidetracked by Nat’s panties._

**From Tony** :  _There’s a line I never thought I’d say._

**From Tony** :  _Who am I kidding, I’ve said it at least four times this week. Nat, sweetheart, you’ve got to stop forgetting bits and pieces of your laundry in the living room._

**From Natasha** :  _Apologies. Captain, back to your issue. Do you have an idea on what to do for Thor for Valentines Day?_

**From Steve:**  …. … … …

**From Tony** :  _Cap? The little dots on your screen are thinking awfully hard. What’s on your mind?_

**From Steve:**  … … …

**From Natasha** :  _Oh my god, we broke him. Talked about underwear for too long and Cap just snapped. Steve, emoji once if you’re okay, twice if you need help._

**From Steve** :  _I was just thinking– What if I wear something… nice… for Thor?_

**From Tony** :  _Like your dress suit with the extra brilliant star? He’d love that._

**From Natasha** :  _You’ve been wearing leggings a lot around him, not that all of us have noticed and are commenting and judging you wildly for them. Why not get a new pair with glitter or some other bullshit?_

**From Tony** : _OH! You could get that blue silk robe that he likes you to wear and wear nothing underneath it._

**From Natasha** :  _OR you could get that blue silk robe that he likes you to wear and just wear one thing underneath it._

**From Tony** :  _How is that sexier than nothing?_

**From Natasha** :  _Some things are better left to the imagination, Tony._

**From Tony** :  _I can’t imagine there is a literal inch of Steve’s body that Thor has to IMAGINE, Nat. Pretty sure that pillar of patriotism has been searched THOROUGHLY._

**From Natasha** :  _Ugh, I just ugly snorted my water up my nose._

**From Steve** : _I like Natasha’s idea._

**From Tony** :  _I swear, I’m actually forgetting that Steve is part of this conversation. Nat, we need to hang out more._

**From Natasha** :  _Noted, darling. Steve, you like my idea? What’s the one sexy thing you want to wear under your robe?_

**From Steve** :  _What if I wore something like what you wear for Clint? Would you guys help me buy something like that?_

**From Tony** :  _My brain just broke. Did Captain America just as us to help him pick out lingerie?_

**From Natasha** :  _Steve, I mean this in the most loving way possible, because you are my friend and our Captain and I’ve literally risked my life for you and you’ve saved me so you know I mean this from the bottom of my heart–_

**From Steve** :  _Yeah_?

**From Natasha** :  _Oh honey, you are NOT ready to wear something like what I wear for Clint. But we can ease you into something a little more your level._

**From Tony** :  _My brain rebooted. Nat that’s an amazing idea. Steve, Thor will be so excited. What are you thinking? I’m thinking a romper, cut high and tight over them butt cheeks and leaving your back open because if there’s one thing I love about a super soldier, it’s those ridiculous shoulders and back muscles._

**From Natasha** :  _Or a teddy, something to show off his pecs and and more than generous package._

**From Tony** :  _Garter belt, definitely. Thor wouldn’t able to handle those gams in nylons._

**From Natasha** :  _A cincher to show off that stupidly tiny waist._

**From Steve** :  _I don’t know what any of those words mean. I was thinking more along the lines of underwear._

**From Natasha** :  _Cheeky cut? Tanga? Thong? Boyshort? Bikini? Hipsters? French?_

**From Steve** :  _Um… briefs?_

**From Tony** :  _Ruffled? Lace? Blinged out? Satin? Velvet? Ruched? Silk? Transparent? Crotchless?_

**From Steve** :  _Oh my god._

**From Natasha** :  _Well I’ll be home tomorrow evening, and after I spend some time with Clint, I think we need to go shopping, Tony._

**From Tony:**   _Oh we definitely need to go shopping._

**From Steve** :  _I sort of regret asking you guys for help_

**From Tony** :  _Aw, no you don’t._

**From Natasha** :  _Not yet, anyway._

**From Steve** :  _WHAT?!_

**************

“Hey Brucie-Bear.” Sam knocked on the door of the lab before sauntering in, hands in his pockets as he glanced around at all the shiny things. “You busy?”

“Oh, has the Brucie Bear thing carried over into real life conversations?” Bruce blinked at Sam from behind huge goggles. “That’s fantastic. Exactly what I wanted to have happen as a result of group texting.”

“You knew it was bound to happen Bruce, no use fighting it. By the way, those are amazing glasses.” Sam grinned and tapped at the goggles. “I always had a thing for nerds.”

“That’s weird. You’re being weird, Sam.” Bruce went back to whatever he was working on. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was thinking we should talk about what we’re doing for Valentines Day.” He replied easily, sitting up on one of the stainless steel tables. “Everyone else is making plans, we should get started on our own. Any good ideas?”

“Oh you were serious about that.” More owlish blinking, Bruce obviously taken aback. “I figured you were joking. Or you know–  _joking_.”

“Why would I be joking?”

“Why would you want to spend Valentines Day with me?”

“I don’t–” Sam frowned. “I don’t know how to answer that without sounding like a dumb ass, and I’m not used to being on the dumb ass side of the conversation. I usually reserve that for the super soldiers.”

“Right.” Bruce went back to working, but he was smiling a little bit. “Well if you weren’t joking, I’d be open to doing something with you. But um–” he hesitated. “I don’t know how to say this nicely so–”

“You don’t hafta be nice to me.” Sam shrugged it off. “I got thick skin.”

“I’m not attracted to you at all and have no interest in ever seeing you in anything other than all of your clothes all the time.” Bruce said bluntly. “At all. Ever. Not even a little bit.”

“That–that seems harsh?” Sam cleared his throat. “I mean, damn Bruce. Why you gotta lay it out like that, there’s easier ways to say that shit.”

“I just don’t want you to get any ideas.” Bruce answered flatly. “About anything. Ever.”

“Alright, well don’t take this the wrong way, but I wasn’t going in that direction with my sentence.” Sam laughed out loud at Bruce’s expression. “Don’t worry. Bucky told me that you aren’t into– into all of that. But even before I knew–” he made a vague motion. “I just mean we should hang out on Valentines Day so neither one of us have to hang out alone while everyone else is acting all stupid.”

“You think everyone will be acting stupid?”

“This is Tony and Bucky’s first Valentines Day.” Sam started counting off on his fingers. “I don’t know  _exactly_  what they have planned, but Bucky said something about seeing how far hotel rooms have came and considering what we catch them doing around here, I definitely don’t want to be around before OR after they defile a hotel room in some terrible naked fashion.”

Bruce snorted and Sam grinned. “Natasha’s been gone most of January, which means that Clint is hurtin’ for some lovin’, you know? Plus they are always shockingly kinky when it comes to Valentines Day. Last year I caught Clint carrying what looked like a saddle into their bedroom.”

Bruce’s eyes widened and Sam leaned in closer. “A  _saddle_ , Bruce. To their bedroom. And that wasn’t even after an extended period of non humping. Clint hasn’t been laid in three weeks at this point. If a saddle is normal Valentines Day stuff, what the hell are they going to bring around for a Valentines Day after an extended period of celibacy?”

“This is a terrible conversation.”

“Oh it’s gonna get worse.” He said matter of factly. “Thor and Steve? Last week the power was out for  _six hours_  because Steve didn’t have any clean clothes and wore one of Thor’s stupidly big shirts over those stupid leggings we all judge him for. Lightning literally flashed in the kitchen and we lost power for six hours. Six. Over thotty ass leggings and an oversized shirt.”

“Oh god, save us.”

“Imagine how Thor will react to whatever ridiculousness Steve is probably planning for Thursday.” Sam finished. “And even if we somehow manage to avoid them during that whole mess, what about the aftermath? The smooshy kisses and dopey grins and non stop touchy feely crap? The blushes over literally nothing? The irritating giggles over what they say is an inside joke but is really just a reference to sex? You looking forward to all of that?”

“No, it sounds terrible.” Bruce admitted. “But still–”

“What about the group texts?” Sam interrupted. “What about the days and  _days_  of group texts of them teasing each other about which one is limping more, or who got the better dicking down between Tony, Steve and Clint–”

“Aw come on, you don’t gotta say it like that.”

“– I do gotta say it like that.” he said firmly. “I do gotta say it like that Bruce, because you know it’s going to happen and you’re going to hear about it whether you want to or not. You’ve tried leaving the group chat. You’ve tried changing your phone number. You’ve tried marking all of our numbers as spam so your phone automatically dumps the messages.”

“Yikes, you guys know about that?”

“Definitely.” A sharp nod. “So I guess I’m not so much as asking you to spend Valentines Day with me, as much as I am giving you a way to avoid all that bullshit.”

“Well that seems–” Bruce scratched at the back of his neck. “Seems like it could be alright.”

“We could go to a bromantic breakfast.” Sam offered. “A just-bros-sitting-next-to-each- other-in- the- dark-movie, there’s a bunch of terrible rom-coms and terrible horror films so we could just go from theater to theater all day. A dinner non-date that ends in ice cream and alcohol and terrible late night television until we pass out on the couch. It’s a bromantic non date.”

“A bromantic non date?” Bruce repeated. “I could be on board for that. But um maybe we could–” he lowered his voice, mumbled something that made Sam’s eyebrows about fly off his face. “You know?”

“Bruce, you dirty dog!” Sam crowed and punched him in the shoulder, then— “Shit, sorry I didn’t mean to punch you so hard.”

“Yeah, thanks for that.” Bruce rubbed at his shoulder gingerly. “Why do you guys do that?”

“When you hang out with Cap and Frosty and assholes like Clint you get used to being punched.”

“That’s why I don’t hang out with you guys.”

“Noted.” Sam nodded. “So. Thursday?”

“Bromantic non date.” Bruce nodded too. “I’m in.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Okay, this is my favorite store.” Natasha held the door open and waved Steve and Tony through. “Not only is everyone who works here a literal darling, but Bound is also twenty one and over only store because they give free shots of tequila while you’re trying things on, which means you don’t have to deal with barely legals thinking they have any idea what to do with all this stuff.”

“Eighteen year olds have sex, Nat.” Tony pointed out and Natasha sent him a positively  _evil_  smile.

“Oh not like  _this_ , they aren’t.”

“Uh–” Steve wasn’t so much speechless as he was absolutely  _flabbergasted_ by not only the size of the store but also the contents. And not just the  _contents_ but also the sheer amount of  _whatever the hell_  was on the walls and the shelves and draped across various surfaces and oh god the pictures were enough to make him turn a horrible shade of tomato red. “Tony, get me out of here right now.”

“ _Yikes_ , Tash.” Tony ducked when he nearly put his eyes out on an enthusiastically nipply mannequin. “I consider myself fairly adventurous but this is a little much even for me. It’s going to severely cramp Steve’s good ol boy persona.”

“Nonsense.” Natasha waved when one of the sale associates called her name. “This is where I buy most of my stuff and I know for a  _fact_ they have virgin section.”

“I’m not a virgin.” Steve protested, hands firmly in his pockets, sunglasses firmly on his face to avoid any errant nipples as well as to hide the fact that his eyes were wide as saucers. “I’m  _not_!”

“Aw.” Natasha patted his cheek sympathetically. “In here you are.”

 

“But Thor is  _super_  adventurous!” Steve insisted. “I even wear a–” nearly whispering– “a ring with him sometimes. You know, one that goes around my–” he inclined his head towards his pants. “You know?”

“Ooh!” Natasha waggled her eyebrows. “A  _cock_  ring? What a fancy little deviant you are! The Pope would be horrified.”

“Okay, lets maybe not talk about major religious leaders while I’m staring at a–” Tony pulled a dildo off the wall and hefted it. “–at a cock the  _literal_  size of my arm. Who uses this sort of thing? Is this fun for people? How do you walk afterwards? How do you even get this–”

Tony placed the base of the dildo on the ground and stared at it suspiciously, standing up on his toes and spreading his legs and tilting his head as he tried to figure out  _how the fuck_ –. “I mean, you wouldn’t be so much bouncing on this as  _impaling_  yourself on it, right? What do they even call this thing? King Kong?”

Natasha giggled and Tony tried again, “King  _Dong_?” Steve made a sound like his very  _soul_  was being set on fire and Tony tried a third time– “Andre the Giant?”

He checked the packaging tag for the name of the toy. “Oh. Vlad the Impaler. That seems rather appropriate.”

“Tony.” Natasha elbowed Tony and pointed over at Steve, hiding a laugh in her hand. “Look at Spangles.”

“Oh god.” Tony rolled his eyes when he saw Steve staring slack jawed at the wall of nudie magazines. “Those aren’t even the bad ones. How long do you think it will be until he finds the–”

“ _AH_!” Steve jerked away, covering his still sunglassed eyes with his hand.

“The kink mags.” Tony finished. “He found the kink mags. Is he having a seizure right now?”

“I think his hands are just shaking.” Natasha countered. “Wait until he realizes the bench he is leaning against is actually a–”

“ _AHHHH_!”

“– yep. A spanking bench. That’s a spanking bench.” Natasha sighed when Steve whipped around and sent them a terrified look. “Alright, bring him back towards this section. Massively over sized dildos are about as tame as this store gets.”

“Steve.” Tony motioned for him. “Steve, come here.”

Steve was frozen in place though, hands up in the air so he wouldn’t touch anything, sunglasses askew, mouth open in shock.

“Steve.” Tony took a few steps closer and  _thwapped_  Steve in the face with the rubbery–and hilariously flexible– tip of the silicone cock. “Steve. Wake up. Stop making Vlad dick slap you and–”

“Stop that!” Steve snatched the cock and pointed it at Tony in an attempt to look threatening, the attempt entirely ruined by the  way the veined thing wobbled and wibbled and bobbed in the air between them. “Get me out of here.  _Now_. I wanted pretty underwear not–not–” he looked around wildly. “Not whatever  _that_  is!”

“A spreader bar.” Natasha confirmed. “Keeps your legs where they need to be. Or keeps someone  _else’s_  legs where they need to be. Clint is so flexible we hardly need one anymore but–”

“Annnnnnnnd he’s gone.” Tony broke in, pointing to the spot where Steve had been standing, nothing left but a discarded dildo flopped on the floor and a vaguely Captain America shaped path through the racks of fetish wear.

“Okay okay okay.” Nat pulled a hundred dollar bill out of her bra and shoved it at Tony. “You win that bet. We probably should have started out at Victoria’s Secret.”

“Little bit.” Tony stuck the money in his pocket. “Shall we have a shot of tequila before we track down our All American Virgin?”

“How much you wanna bet he took off running and is currently hightailing it down the freeway?” Natasha mused. “By the way, not a virgin remember? He even wears a ring  _down there_  sometimes for Thor.”

“Oh god.” Tony sighed. “Alright, lets go find him.”

*****************

 **From Thor:**   _THIS IS THOR ODINSON OF ASGARD_

 **From Thor** :  _I AM IN THE LIVING ROOM AND WISH TO HAVE A CONVERSATION BUT DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY CHAIR_

 **From Thor** :  _I WISH TO JOIN THE GROUP TEXT_

 **From Clint** : _Uh, what’s up big guy? You don’t have to text all in caps you know, it sort of sounds like you’re yelling._

 **From Thor** :  _I AM NOT YELLING, THIS IS SIMPLY A TEXT. YOU CANNOT HEAR MY VOICE, WHY WOULD YOU SAY I WAS YELLING._

 **From Bucky** :  _Yeah, you’re not going to win that argument Clint. Thor, what brings you to the group text?_

 **From Thor** :  _I REQUIRE HELP FOR GIFTS FOR MY BELOVED FOR THE UPCOMING HOLIDAY. ASGARD CELEBRATES DIFFERENT DAYS, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOUR CUSTOMS_

 **From Clint** :  _You don’t know what to get Steve for Valentines Day?_

 **From Bucky** : _Alright look, I don’t want to be the one to suggest this, but I don’t want to hear Clint say it either, so I’ll just say it– just hammer dick him Steve he’s droolin. He’ll be all stupid after wards and wont even remember what day it is. Sick face emoji._

 **From Thor** :  _HAMMER DICKING IS OUR NIGHTLY OCCURRENCE, I WISH THIS DAY TO BE SPECIAL. THE USUAL LOVING WILL NOT SUFFICE._

**From Clint:** _Idk if I’m laughing harder over ‘hammer dicking is our nightly occurrence’ or Bucky’s sick face emoji._

**From Bucky:**   _Murder scowl emoji_

 **From Clint** :  _You mean frowny face?_

 **From Thor:**   _WHAT IS AN EMOJI_

 **From Clint** :  _Okay. First of all. Thor do you see the up arrow on your phone keyboard? Tap that until your letters aren’t in all caps._

 **From Thor** :  _This seems less interesting. I am a god, a near eternal being, I require to be heard and seen above others. This smaller texting is not ideal._

 **From Clint** :  _And yet it’s better for everyone. Second of all, Bucky, just use the frowny face emoji._

 **From Bucky** :  _I use what I want. Tongue sticking out smiley face._

 **From Clint** :  _Why is this my life? Someone save me from all these old men who don’t understand literally anything about technology._

 **From Thor** :  _Clint, you have been complaining much lately, has your wife not been loving you regularly? A man with no outlet is a frustrated man indeed, are you aware that you can self soothe? Tis not ideal, but there is some joy to be had in knowing your body in such an intimate way._

 **From Clint** : …  _thank you? For that advice?_

 **From Bucky** :  _Clint. Did you know you can self soothe? Did you know that? Hm?_

 **From Thor** :  _We can discuss Clint’s lack of sexual prowess later, I need ideas for a perfect evening with my beloved. What are typical Midgardian St. Valentines Day customs?_

 **From Clint** :  _MY LACK OF WHAT_

 **From Thor** :  _WHY IS HE ABLE TO USE THE CAPITOL LETTERS_

 **From Bucky** :  _Good Christ, no one use the capital letters. Clint, you have no sexual prowess, every bit of sexiness in that relationship is Natasha._

 **From Clint** :  _WHAT_

 **From Bucky** :  _And as far as Valentines Day, it doesn’t have to be anything special, just the usual stuff, Thor. Chocolate hearts, flower bouquets, wearing pretty things. Stevie’s real easy, you could just compliment him a bunch and he’d get all goofy and dumb for ya._

 **From Thor** :  _Chocolate hearts. Chocolate in the shape of a human heart?_

 **From Bucky** :  _No_.

 **From Clint** :  _OH MY GOD YES EXACTLY LIKE THAT IN THE SHAPE OF A HUMAN HEART_

 **From Clint** :  _PROBABLY FILLED WITH JELLY TO MAKE IT REALISTIC_

 **From Clint** :  _THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE_

 **From Bucky** :  _Oh my god._

 **From Thor** :  _Clint, you will help me then? You seem to know the intricacies of this celebration, and despite my lack of faith in your bedroom abilities, your bride is almost always pleased._

 **From Clint** :  _Yes. I do in fact know the intricacies and for the record my bride is ALWAYS DEFINITELY pleased. I will help. I am the best man for the job. Ignore whatever Bucky says after this._

 **From Bucky** :  _I got nothing. Just gonna get some popcorn and watch the chaos. Thumbs up._

 **From Clint** :  _Okay dude, we have got to talk about your issues with emojis at some point._

*************

“Hey.” Tony stood on his toes to give Bucky a kiss and the soldier put his plate down immediately to gather his boyfriend even closer. “Hey.” Tony said again, giggling against Bucky’s mouth. “What’s up?”

“Something’s gotta be up for me to want to kiss you?” Bucky murmured, the plates in his left arm whirring and tightening until Tony gasped as their bodies rubbed together. “I’m not saying I’m  _not_  up, but–”

“Bucky.” Tony smothered a laugh in another kiss, too head over heels in love to even care that he looked completely ridiculous with his feet not touching the ground. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m excited for Valentines Day.” Bucky admitted, running gentle fingers through Tony’s hair. “Holidays with you are so fun, sweet thing. I can’t wait to spend another one with you.”

“You definitely  _can’t_  wait to spend it with me.” Tony confirmed, kicking his feet in the air and grinning when Bucky held him higher. “I got a suite in a ridiculous hotel and we are going to have the best food you’ve ever eaten. I ordered a–”

“Hey hey.” Bucky shushed him. “Don’t tell me everything you got planned, sugar. I want to be surprised, and I want to see that goofy look you get on your face when you’re excited to show me something. That’s my favorite thing, did you know that? You’re eyes get all big and you try to keep your smile small but it never works and you end up grinning and sorta vibrating with excitement–” he smiled when Tony blushed. “–You’re  _gorgeous_ , Tony.”

“I love you very much.” Tony whispered, and Bucky whispered back, “And I love  _you_  very much.”

“Christ, they’re cute.” From across the kitchen, Natasha sipped at her coffee and watched the couple. “Look at them. It’s almost gross. They started out with Tony jerking Bucky off because Frosty was horned up enough to die and now they are smooshing noses and saying they love each other and it’s just so  _cute_.”

“ _You’re_  cute.” Clint murmured into her ear, holding her a little more securely on his lap. “And sweet. And so sexy…” his voice trailed off into a moan as he nibbled along her throat. “So sexy, Nat. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, my love.” Natasha smiled indulgently, snuggling into his chest. “But surely after our past few nights together you aren’t quite so needy, hm?”

“I will always be needy for you.” He insisted, crooning the words into her ear and twining their left hands together. “That’s why I put a ring on it, remember?”

“Vividly.” Natasha allowed, admiring the glint of her modest-yet-gorgeous wedding band. “I remember why you put a ring on it  _vividly_ , husband.”

“I have a surprise for you this Valentines Day.” Clint buried his nose in Natasha’s hair to breathe in the scent of her strawberry shampoo. “Do you want to get a hotel or stay here that night?”

“We can just stay here.” She answered, gracefully turning in the chair so she was straddling him, pushing their foreheads together and sighing when Clint lifted beneath her, asking– “We were together this morning, husband, aren’t you tired of me yet?”

“I’ll  _always_  be needy for you.” Clint repeated. “Whether we’re together every minute of every day or not.”

“I love you viciously.” Natasha pressed closer. “And I bought something to wear that will make your brain explode.”

“I got something to wear that will make  _your_  brain explode.” Clint countered and Natasha laughed in delight. “I don’t know why you’re laughing wife, I’m being very serious.”

Bruce was sitting at the kitchen island reading through the news paper when Sam slid onto the stool next to him and elbowed him in the side.

“Um, ow?” Frowning, Bruce folded the paper and tucked it away. “You couldn’t have just said hello? You had to assault me?”

“Stop whining, Brucie.” Sam waved him off. “I just wanted to make sure you’re still feeling legit about our bromantic non date and in case you weren’t–”

He raised his voice when Bruce started to interject. “– in case you weren’t feeling great about our Valentines Day plan, I invite you to take a gander around the kitchen and see how the various couples are acting without actually having Valentines Day yet, and just imagine how bad things will be after Valentines Day without someone–” a quick point to himself. “– to crack terrible jokes and make gagging noises at the sheer amount of love crap that will be happening.”

“Well, I mean–” Bruce glanced around the kitchen, first at Bucky who was still holding Tony off the floor as they kissed, both of them giggling and teasing each other, then at Clint and Natasha who had given up any and all pretenses of talking and were just trying to apparently eat each others souls through a tongue slurping, lip biting kiss that was wet enough that Bruce actually pushed his tea away with a grimace.

“And you know, Thor and Steve aren’t even here.” Sam raised his eyebrows meaningfully. “And they’re gross just on  _normal_  days.”

“Yeah alright.” Bruce nodded. “Yep. Bromantic non date sounds amazing. Are we still on for that thing late Thursday night?”

“ _So_  on for it.” Sam high fived Bruce happily. “We are good to….” his voice trailed off as he looked at something over Bruce’s head. “Uh, hey Cap. Everything alright?”

“Hey.” Steve was scowling, rubbing at his shoulder as he dug through the freezer for an ice pack. “What are you guys doing?”

“Just… just hanging out.” Sam took a closer look at Steve’s shoulder. “Is that a hole in your shoulder? Steve, why do you have a  _hole_  in your shoulder?”

“OH, I’m glad you asked!” Steve slammed the freezer door and Bruce jumped. “So  _glad_  you asked Sam! Would you like to know why I have a hole in my shoulder?”

“Well I mean–” Sam shrugged a little. “I asked you twice already and you’re sort of bleeding on the floor so–”

“Thor shot me in the shoulder with a goddamn arrow!” Steve shouted and everyone in the kitchen turned and stared.

“Did Spangles just swear?” Tony asked quietly, and Bucky nodded slowly. “What is  _happening_?”

“THOR SHOT ME IN THE SHOULDER WITH A GODDAMN ARROW!” Even louder this time, and Natasha leaned away from Clint, eyeing her husband suspiciously.

“Easy does it, Stevie.” Bucky said cautiously. “I’m sure it was an accident.”

“It wasn’t an accident at all.” Steve scowled, dabbing a towel over the wound. “We were sparring, then he suggested target practice, yelled something about Cupid being in the room and literally put an arrow into my shoulder.”

Across the kitchen, Clint made a noise that landed somewhere between a snorting laugh and a strangled sort of wheeze and Steve’s eyes narrowed in his direction. “Clint? You don’t happen to know anything about this, do you?”

“Oh no.” Bucky muttered a curse. “Oh no no no. Clint  _didn’t_ –”

“I had nothing to do with this.” Clint insisted loudly. “I mean, Thor asked for suggestions for Valentines Day and all I did was walk him through several customs and sayings we have!”

“And how exactly does Valentines Day include–” Steve set his jaw angrily. “ _Cupid_. You told him Cupid shoots people with arrows to get them to fall in love.”

“I mean,” Clint spread his hands innocently. “I  _might_  have.”

“Wait wait wait.” Natasha twisted around on Clint’s lap. “Wait. So Clint told Thor that Cupid shoots people with arrows, and then he turned around and shot  _you_  with an arrow? I know the big guy isn’t exactly on board with all of our lingo, but he’s smart enough to realize that  _he_  shouldn’t be the one shooting you, right?”

Steve sulked a little but didn’t answer.

“Yeah, Cap.” Tony wriggled out of Bucky’s arms. “No way Thor would have actually just binged an arrow at you because of some random story about a Cupid. What  _actually_  happened?”

Still no answer from Steve.

“Alright, let’s do it the easy way then.” Tony shrugged. “JARVIS can I have the video feed from the gym for the last hour please?”

“No no no no–!” Steve started to protest, but it was too late, a large television folding down from the ceiling and a video starting to play.

“Alright, there’s Steve.” Bruce pointed to the figure who was clearly Steve working a punching bag on the far corner of the screen. “And here comes Thor who is wearing… uh, what is Thor wearing, exactly?”

“Good god, and I don’t mean the Thunder God, I mean the god that would be horrified by what Thor is currently wearing.” Sam’s jaw was practically on the counter. “Is that– is he– I didn’t know they made diapers that big??”

“Clint, what exactly did you tell Thor?” Tony couldn’t tear his eyes away from the screen, watching Thor wearing nothing but a diaper, carrying a bow and arrow creeping across the gym towards an oblivious Steve. “Tell me the  _exact_  words you told Thor about Cupid.”

“I told him that Cupid is a demi god that wears a diaper and carries a bow, goes flying around and shoots arrows into the hearts of people who need to fall in love. Those who fall in love thanks to Cupids arrow are destined to be together for life!” Clint was still trying not to laugh. “I didn’t know he was  _actually_  going to–”

“Oh god, look at him trying to fly.” Bucky broke in, and everyone turned to in time to see Thor launch himself into the air, ready an arrow and send it flying towards Steve.

“I turned at the last minute and it caught me in the shoulder.” Steve grumbled, and the video cut out just as on-screen Steve started shrieking and Thor started running over to check on him. “Clint, I’m going to kill you. I swear I’m going to kill you. Gonna kick your ass from here clear to next–”

“Steve, my love.” Thor rushed through the kitchen door and the kitchen went completely silent when they all saw him slicked up with baby oil, swaddled in what looked like an XXL Depends, still carrying a bow with a pair of hilariously small wings set on his back. “I am so sorry, I never intended to harm you or to–”

Natasha broke first, laughing out loud and then screaming as she inhaled a terrible amount of ungodly hot coffee and Clint was cackling too hard to even help her. Bruce flipped his paper open, holding it high enough that he didn’t have to see the room anymore, Sam sat with his mouth wide open and Tony and Bucky just– well they just stared because honestly  _what the fuck_.

“Is your shoulder alright?” Thor fussed over it quietly, gathering Steve close and cursing when his hands slipped slick on Steve’s skin. “Forgive me. I assumed you were wearing something of armor, thought it would be just a symbolic gesture and nothing more, something to make you laugh.”

“You could have not used real arrows.” Steve pointed out, steadfastedly ignoring the chaos behind him. “You could have not used real arrows, Thor. You could have used the prank ones with little plungers on the tips.”

“I suppose so.” Thor nodded gravely. “Next time I will not use real arrows.”

“ _Next time_?” Steve yelped, throwing his hands up as he stomped from the kitchen “What do you mean  _next time_? Why the hell is there going to be a  _next time_?!”

It took ten full minutes for everyone to stop laughing, for Sam to wipe the tears from his eyes, for Natasha to quit pinching at Clint, for Tony to stop guffawing at the top of his lungs while Bucky wondered how hard it would be scrub his eyes with bleach so he wouldn’t have to think about Thor in a goddamn diaper ever again.

Bruce just very calmly turned to the ‘housing’ section of the newspapers and began circling ads for roommates wanted and homes for rent.

Life in this place was absolutely ridiculous.

****************

 **From Clint** :  _Natasha my ridiculously hot wife who owns my very soul and each breath I take, are we all set for tomorrow night?_

 **From Bucky** :  _Okay well lets never let Clint talk like that every again, please and thank you._

 **From Clint** :  _So what, Thor can wax stupidly poetic but I can’t?_

 **From Thor** :  _THAT IS CORRECT HAWKEYE_

 **From Tony** :  _Thor texts? And also, why does Thor text in all caps?_

 **From Thor:**   _A GOD DESERVES TO BE HEARD BY ALL_

 **From Tony** :  _I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. Carry on Hammer man._

 **From Thor:**   _I SHALL_

 **From Natasha** :  _Clint, you could have just texted me. This might shock you but not all of our conversations need to be group texts_.

 **From Bruce** :  _Oh thank god, someone finally said it. Clint please take your wife’s advice. Please stop making every conversation a group text._

 **From Sam** :  _Brucie bear, I just don’t really see that happening. Everyone in this place loves to gossip way too much._

 **From Steve** :  _Sam’s right, and I hate to be the one to say this especially considering how much I hated these damn things in the beginning, but I do think the group chats have brought us closer as a group. I’ve started to enjoy the insights into everyone’s relationships and being able to ask for advice without having to feel awkward about it is very refreshing._

 **From Natasha** :  _Captain Rogers, does this mean you forgive Tony and I for the arm length dildo dick slapping session?_

 **From Steve** :  _It means nothing of the sort, after Valentines Day I’m going to do something really awful to both of you to make up for it._

 **From Tony** : _That’s absolutely fair._

 **From Clint** :  _Okay, no wait_

 **From Bucky** :  _Uh Tony, obviously there’s a story you haven’t told me yet?_

**From Tony** _: I had to buy something named Vlad the Impaler. Its– it’s a long story._

**From Thor** :  _Steven, I thought dick slapping was off the table for us? Yet you let Natasha and Tony manhandle you in such a manner?_

 **From Sam** :  _Whoops, where did the all caps go, Thor?_

 **From Thor** :  _A subject just as this felt like it should be whispered about._

 **From Sam** :  _Right, that seems like it makes perfect sense. But also, I definitely need to know what happened between Steve and Nat and Tony and who’s wang was doing the wapping._

**From Bruce:** _This is literally the worst conversation. I thought the ones about dicking down and sexy shenanigans were bad, but nope. This is it. This is the worst._

**From Steve:**   _Bruce is right, let’s just move on._

 **From Clint:**   _NO NO NO. Cap just got done talking bullshit about how these things draw us closer as a group, and now you’re not going to share? SHARE Captain. Let’s grow through this experience together._

 **From Natasha** :  _Well said, my love. Captain should I tell the story or do you want to?_

 **From Steve** :  _I am NOT telling this story and neither is anyone else._

 **From Tony** :  _You literally are the worst wet blanket in the entire world and I cannot believe we are best friends._

 **From Steve** :  _Thanks for that Tony_.

 **From Clint** :  _ANYWAY. Natasha is everything set for tomorrow night?_

 **From Natasha** :  _Yes, my love. I have all required supplies, enough protein to get us through the night, I pulled our saddle out of storage, and our box from Costco was at the post office this morning._

 **From Clint** :  _We get boxes from Costco?_

 **From Natasha** :  _I was trying to spare everyone else. It’s actually from Castle Mega Store._

 **From Clint** :  _YES! WHOO! BOXES FROM SEX WAREHOUSES! YES!_

 **From Steve** :  _I take back what I said about group bonding, lets stop doing this right now._


	3. Chapter 3

**From Tony** :  _Bucky baby, the limo will be here in ten minutes, are you ready to go?_

 **From Bucky** :  _Sure am, sweet thing. But I can’t seem to find the bag I packed earlier? Do you already have it downstairs?_

 **From Tony** :  _Oh I ditched that, you won’t need a bag tonight._

 **From Bucky** :  _Tony, I definitely do need a bag. It has all my clothes in it._

 **From Tony** :  _What’s your point?_

 **From Bucky** :  _I need clothes Tony._

**From Tony:** _Oh, I beg to differ._

Bucky met Tony at the front door, spinning his boyfriend around and bending him back into a messy kiss.

“Hey baby.” Tony’s eyes were sparkling bright, and he was already biting his lip trying not to smile so big. “You ready for our big night out? Huh? Ready for our very first Valentines Day as an  _official_ couple?”

“I’m ready to fuck ya through a mattress.” Bucky growled playfully. “Don’t need it to be a fancy mattress though, somethin’ in an alley works just fine.”

“You know, you’d think alley mattresses would be a boner killer but today I don’t even care.” Tony hooked his arms around Bucky’s neck and dragged him back for another kiss. “Just wait until you see where we are going through. You’ll love it.”

“I love  _you_.” Bucky said seriously, but when a limo of outrageous length pulled up to the curb, his mouth dropped. “Tony, what in the hell? What did ya do, rent the biggest limo ever made?”

“I didn’t rent anything.” Tony snorted. “I own this bad boy. And it’s not so much a limo as it is a forty foot long Cadillac designed specifically to be the most obnoxious vehicle on the road at all times. There’s a water bed in the back of it.” Bucky’s eyes widened and Tony grinned. “A  _water_  bed, Bucky. You ever tried to do it in a pool? Because that’s what it feels like to lay on a water bed.”

“Water beds seem like a terrible idea.” Bucky let Tony pull him towards the outrageous car. “What if they spring a leak?”

“Gettin’ wet never hurt nothin’!” Tony crowed and Bucky took a closer look at him.

“Tony, are you already drunk?”

“I stole a little bit of Thor’s mead.” Tony admitted. “Just a sip. But I got some in a flask for you, because I thought it would be fun if you got a little tipsy tonight.”

“Are you sure it was just a sip?” Bucky cupped Tony’s jaw and stared into his eyes. “Seems like you’re a little more than just tipsy.”

“It was a big sip.” Tony scrunched his nose. “But don’t worry, it’s just to keep me loose and giggly so you can–” he leaned in and whispered into Bucky’s ear, laughing out loud when the big soldier’s knees wobbled a little. “Yeah see?  _Super_  fun.”

“So um– a water bed, huh?” Bucky tried and failed not to look too ridiculously hopeful. “Is it a long ride to the hotel?”

“About an hour.” Tony confirmed, dark eyes warming when Bucky kissed his knuckles. “Got a little certain something you want to do in the meantime?”

“We can start our Valentines Day celebration in the limo, right?” Bucky opened the door for Tony, palming over that fantastically round ass he loved so much. “Right?”

“Well I mean, if that’s what you  _really_  want….”

The limo driver wisely followed Tony’s directions to leave the divider up between the the drivers seat and the rest of the limo, to ignore any and all sounds coming from the back seat, and to politely give a ten minute warning when they were approaching the hotel.

Bucky and Tony were more or less put together by the limo pulled to a stop, flushed and giggling and unable to keep their hands off of each other.

“You really didn’t bring any bags?” Bucky mumbled over a kiss, his hands in Tony’s hair as they stumbled towards the elevator in the lobby.

“Brooklyn, this is a fancy enough hotel that they put brand new toothbrushes in every room for each new guest. There is soap that costs more than your clothes do, shampoo that lathers up a truly astonishing amount and smells like what I imagine romantic comedies smell like and the worlds fluffiest robes. We don’t need clothes.”

“You tellin’ me I’ll only be wearing a robe for the rest of the night?” Bucky felt around behind him for the elevator buttons. “I could get on board with that.”

“Bucky.” Tony was laughing, teasing, sucking at Bucky’s tongue as it dipped into his mouth, digging his fingers into the immovable muscles at Bucky’s shoulder. “Oh honey, the robes are just for decoration, You aren’t wearing anything at all tonight. Nothing but your birthday suit.”

“Oooh.” Bucky moaned when Tony’s hands slid down the back of his pants. “Lucky me. So tell me is the bed in this place–”

He shut up abruptly when the elevator doors slid open into a penthouse suite. “Tony, there isn’t even a hallway. Is this our room?”

“Best place in the hotel.” Tony nodded, pulling Bucky out into the huge living room. “The elevator goes clear to the top of the building and this is the only room up here. This is all  _ours_.”

“It’s looks–” Bucky stared around the room in shock. “It sorta looks like somethin’ in Greece, all these pillars and white rocks and all.”

“Yeah, I think they call it the Ode to Olympus or something.” Tony said distractedly, already tugging on Bucky’s belt. “There’s cherubs on the walls, and the ceiling above the bed has a big painted scene from Athens and the canopy is held up with statues of the gods.”

“You’re joking.” Bucky was too busy staring to even notice Tony trying to get him naked. “Can I see the bathroom? What does it–” he peeked inside the bathroom and shouted- “Holy crap there’s a waterfall in here! There are vines climbing the walls! What the fuck?”

“Uh yep.” Tony shimmied out of his own jeans and tossed them aside. “Something about letting guests bathe like the goddess Diana and her maidens? I dunno, but splashing around in waterfall did seem sort of fun. And the vines make it all woodsy and romantic I guess.”

“The bathtub would hold six people!” Bucky pushed his hair out of his eyes gaped at the sunken bathtub. ‘“It’s painted gold! The water sparkles! How many jets does this thing need?”

“It  _could_  hold six people.” Tony peered around Bucky’s shoulder. “ _Or_ you know, two people frolicking wildly. And the jets are adjustable so that could be insanely fun.”

“There are floor to ceiling mirrors.”

“I need a floor to ceiling view.” Tony shrugged. “What about it?”

“You planning on having lots of sex in this bathroom, Tony?” Bucky finally asked, cocking his head and smirking when Tony’s eyes lit up. “Will we make it to the bed at all?”

“Well I hope so.” Tony flipped the shower on and steam started to fill the room. “The bed vibrates.”

“….you’re serious aren’t you?”

“Bucky babe, I’d never joke about vibrating beds.

****************

 **From Clint** :  _Wife of mine, are you ready to start our evening?_

 **From Natasha** :  _Husband of mine, I’ve been ready all day. And I do mean READY all day, so perhaps we should stop texting and get down to it._

 **From Clint** :  _Christ, even when you are being demanding you’re sexy. Maybe especially when you’re demanding. You should definitely tell me what to do more often._

 **From Natasha** :  _Clint Barton you get that sweet ass up to our room NOW. I expect you to be wearing nothing but your robe, open to your belly button, and I want that gorgeous cock hard for me._

 **From Clint** :  _HO HO HOLY CRAP I CAN’T  BELIEVE HOW HOT THAT IS OVER TEXT WE SHOULD PLAY THIS GAME MORE OFTEN_

 **From Natasha** :  _My love, if you meet me in our bedroom I have another game to play you’ll enjoy just as much._

 **From Sam** :  _So I feel like it’s just going to get more awkward from here on out so I should probably speak up and remind you guys that this isn’t a new text chat, this is the same one we were using before?_

 **From Bruce** :  _Ditto. My eyes are bleeding._

 **From Natasha** :  _Oh my god, Bruce and Sam I am so sorry._

 **From Clint** :  _I’m not. Natasha, bedroom in five._

 **From Natasha** :  _I’ll need fifteen darling, I have to slip into something much less comfortable and much more revealing than my sweatpants._

 **From Clint** :  _Is it MUCH more revealing?_

 **From Natasha** :  _SO  much more revealing._

 **From Bruce** :  _MY EYES!!!_

****************

There was a quiet knock on the bedroom door and Clint straightened up on the bed, his stomach knotting in anticipation.

All the years he and Natasha had been together, all the holidays they’d spent in love, and he still never got tired of her. He would never be tired of the way her eyes sparked when she knew he wanted her, the quiet sigh as he kissed her, the way she was sweet and vulnerable and soft after they had finished loving each other,  _coming_  together, and the perfect way she fit into his arms as if they were two pieces of the same puzzle, made to be together always.

 _God_  he loved her.

“I love you.” Clint blurted when the door opened, and Natasha paused mid step to smile at her husband, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and glancing up at him from beneath her lashes. “You are so beautiful.”

“You’re awfully beautiful yourself, husband.” She said demurely, and shut the door behind her, the lock engaging immediately so there was no chance they could be disturbed. “Are you ready for me?”

“So ready for you.” Clint promised, eyes widening as Natasha loosened the sash on her robe, the dark green silk slipping off smooth shoulders to bare an expanse of creamy skin, dotted with freckles that Clint could trace from memory. The shallow dip of her throat, the line of a delicate collarbone and–

“Oh  _Christ_.” Clint’s eyes flew open wide when he saw the bright red swatch of silk that wrapped around Natasha’s breasts in a bow, traveled down her stomach and into the vee of her legs. “What– what– what– oh my–”

Natasha laughed quietly, always more than pleased when she could strike Clint entirely speechless even after all this time. “Do you like it, darling?” She drew her fingers across the silk, tugging teasingly at the bow as if it would come apart at any moment. “I asked you what you wanted for Valentines Day and you said me so–” Natasha dropped the robe to the floor and struck a sultry pose. “So here I am.”

“I love you.” Clint groaned, but then he started smirking, then smiling, then it turned into a grin which turned into a laugh. “I do love you, but oh my god, Natasha I–”

“It will not go well for you if you keep laughing at me.” Nat warned, green eyes flashing dangerously. “What the hell is so funny?”

“I just–” Clint jumped off the bed and opened the sash of  _his_  robe, kicking it aside and showing off his own Valentines Day outfit of a bright red swatch of silk that wrapped around his chest in a bow, covered his navel but didn’t quite cover the rest of him as it disappeared between his legs. “Look. We’re twinsies!”

“Clinton Francis Barton.” Natasha covered her mouth with her hand. “What are you wearing? Why do we match right now?”

“Well, the obvious answer is that we’re soul mates.” Clint pointed out blandly. “Because when we decided to buy something sexy to wear, we both thought this fake bow shenanigan was the sexiest choice.”

“Oh my god.” Natasha started laughing, her shoulders shaking. “Clint,  _oh my god_.”

“I’ll be the first to admit that I think the bow looks better on your bosoms though.” Clint tilted his head and looked Tasha over critically. “Yep, definitely better on your bosoms. And my man bits are not held in at all by this little piece right here?” he tugged at it meaningfully. “Which makes me feel rather well endowed but also a little bit on display, so if you don’t mind terribly I’m going to go ahead and take this off.”

Natasha was practically cackling at this point, one hand held over the bow to keep it from falling right off of her chest as she watched Clint twist and turn and nearly fall on his ass trying to get out of the ridiculous lingerie. “ _Clint_!”

“Okay okay here we go.” It took some effort, but Clint finally escaped the outfit, tossing the mess onto a chair and refastening his robe around his waist. “I don’t know why you’re still laughing Tasha, it wasn’t that funny.”

“The funniest, sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” Natasha wiped tears from her eyes and was still giggling when Clint pulled her in for a long kiss. “I do love you, husband. Only you could make me laugh this hard. Just when I think I’ve seen all of your bullshit–”

“Come on wife.” Clint kissed her again, lingering over the embrace until Natasha sighed happily and settled into his arms. “I’ve got several decades worth of bullshit that should keep you laughing.”

“I can’t wait.” She murmured, lacing their fingers together and pushing Clint’s hand down to her ass. “But for right now maybe we should laugh less and do a little more of  _this_  sort of thing, hm?”

“If you can’t laugh during sex, it’s not good sex.” Clint said solemnly.

“Mm-hmm that’s right.” She nodded, pulling him towards the bed. “But in this case, if you laugh at me in this again I’ll use it to tie you to the bedpost and not in the sexy way, in the ‘you’ve pissed me off and aren’t getting laid for a month’ sort of way.”

“I am definitely not laughing during this sex.”

“Yep, that’s what I thought.”

***************

To say Steve was nervous about his evening with Thor was an understatement.

He had no reason to be nervous of course, at least not a  _legitimate_ reason. Thor had never been anything but loving and passionate in bed, attentive to every cue from Steve’s body, dominant when Steve wanted to be manhandled, sweet when Steve needed to be held, his touch forever reverent as if Steve was a treasure of the highest sort.

He had no reason to be nervous, and yet as Steve opened the bag from Victoria’s Secret he was nervous to his very core.

He had walked in and out of the damnable store no less than half a dozen times, working up his nerve to just purchase the red and white briefs, and it had been Tony who had finally rifled through the drawers to find something Captain America sized– as Natasha had so helpfully yelled across the store– and marched up to the counter to buy them.

Steve had never before been envious of Tony’s ability to just not care what anyone thought of him, but at that moment he was maybe the tiniest bit jealous that Tony could dig through the lip gloss containers while flirting with the girl behind the counter as she wrapped up the underwear and casually telling the woman next in line that the blue bra was prettier than the green, but her partner would be thrilled to see her in either.

Meanwhile Steve blushed bright red for the entire duration of the walk out of the mall, folding his arms so the VS bag wasn’t quite as noticeable and pretending he didn’t notice that Natasha was giving the group chat a play by play of the afternoons events.

And now he was still nervous as he got dressed, slipping into that blue robe that Thor loved so much and making sure his…  _underpinnings_ … were covered just in time for Thor to come to bed.

“Beloved.” Thor picked up Steve’s hand and kissed his knuckles and then his palm, linking their fingers together over his own heart. “Happy Valentines Day.”

“Happy Valentines Day, babe.” Steve’s grin was just this side of goofy, but  _damn_  did he love Thor. “Ready for your surprise?”

“I have something else for you first.” Thor started to say, and Steve jerked away, a hand over his bandaged shoulder protectively. “No, my love I won’t be attempting anything else using Cupid.” Thor sighed. “You haven’t forgiven me for that yet?”

“You slicked yourself up in baby oil, leapt into the air and fired an arrow at me.” Steve frowned. “You made me  _bleed_. Of course I haven’t forgiven you for that yet.”

“My apologies, sweetheart.” Thor said solemnly, then pulled a beautifully wrapped package from behind his back. “Perhaps this will start to make up for it?”

“You got me a present?” Irritation immediately forgotten, Steve snatched the present and sat back on the bed. “What is it?”

“Open it.” Thor said with a soft laugh, joining Steve on the bed and pulling him onto his lap, wrapping strong arms around his waist. “You look beautiful, by the way. I love when you wear my robe.”

“I know you do.” Steve flushed a little, but tipped his chin back so Thor could lay a line of kisses down his throat. “I thought you’d like it tonight too.”

“I prefer you in nothing at all, of course.” Thor murmured, rubbing his nose over the soft spot behind Steve’s ear. “Except perhaps mistletoe if the season calls for it. Perhaps a flower crown so I might trace your body with the petals.”

“I’m wearing something you might like more than petals and mistletoe.” Steve admitted, and lightning flashed in Thor’s eyes, big hands tightening possessively at Steve’s side.

“Unwrap your present.” Thor instructed, shifting back on the bed so Steve was lying more securely against him. “Then I shall unwrap  _you_ , hm?”

“Okay.” Steve angled his head up for a searing kiss, then ripped the bow off the package, tossing the lid aside and–

“–Thor, what the hell is this?”

“It’s a chocolate heart.” Thor supplied, unsure as to why Steve sounded so horrified. “I was told that giving chocolate hearts was a Midgardian custom.”

“Okay but–but–” Steve kept staring at the box. “Thor, this is– this is  _literally_  someone’s heart. This is a chocolate mold of a human heart.”

“My heart!” Thor boomed, pounding at his chest. “Not just a human heart,  _my_  heart! Molded with chocolate as an expression of–”

“Oh fuck me, it’s filled with jelly.” Steve held up red stained hands. “Thor, you got me a human heart filled with  _jelly_?”

“Well–” Thor hesitated. “Clint told me–”

“You know what, that actually explains everything.” Steve said wryly, licking the jelly off his fingers. “Clint having anything to do with this explains everything. At least it’s good jelly.”

“I know your favorite is blackberry currant.” Thor brought Steve’s palm to his mouth and swiped his tongue across it, smiling when he felt Steve shiver. “I too doubted Clint’s intentions, I was going to buy you one from the store but he insisted a cast of my own heart would mean more.”

“How did you even get a cast of your own–” Steve shook his head. “Never mind, I don’t want to know. Let me up so I can wash my hands and put this away until later.”

Steve didn’t notice Thor holding onto his robe as he slid off the bed, so he was completely surprised when it stripped off his body as he stood, treating Thor to a view of golden muscles and perfect skin and a pair of red and white briefs cut snug over his hips, straining over his cock, and left open in the back, Steve’s ass framed by a cutout of a heart.

“ _Steven_.” The air punched from Thor’s chest and Steve flushed crimson, turning his back to hide the ridiculous panties. “No no, beloved let me see you. Let me see you.”

Thor turned Steve carefully, palming over the silky briefs before dropping to his knees and digging his fingers into Steve’s rear, groaning over the perfect curve so clearly outlined by a strip of white lace.

“It’s stupid.” Embarrassed, Steve tried to pull away but  _thunder_  rolled through the room, Thor’s grip tightening to almost bruising. “Or– or it’s not?” he squeaked. “You like it?”

“I’d have you like this tonight.” Thor rumbled. “On your hands and knees sweetheart. Let me worship you with my mouth.”

“Shit–” Steve gasped and went to his knees as well. “ _Yes_ , Thor please.”

“Anything you wish, my love.”

*************

 **From Clint** :  _Good morning lovers and lovebirds! How is everyone doing on the fantastic Friday morning? Everyone awake? Nice and perky? Ready to rock the day? Ready to get some shit done? Everybody feeling happy happy happy? It’s a happy sorta day yes sir it is._

 **From Bucky** :  _What in the hell? Clint get the hell off your phone. You’re in bed with Natasha, why are you texting us?_

 **From Clint** :  _You didn’t have to respond Bucky bear!_

 **From Bucky** :  _Your days are numbered, Bird Boy. Murder face emoji._

 **From Steve** :  _Oh my god it’s almost noon. How did I sleep this long? Has everyone else been awake for hours already??_

 **From Steve** :  _Also, Bucky what is with your emoji thing, even I know how to use smiley faces._

 **From Bucky:**   _It’s not a smiley face, it’s a murder face._

 **From Tony** :  _One day when I’m not all blissed out from our night together, I’m going to tell you exactly how you’re using your phone wrong, okay babe? And by the way Cap, no one was awake. My eyes have literally been open for thirty seconds because Clint decided he’d rather text than have sex._

 **From Clint** :  _You don’t know I’m not having sex._

 **From Natasha** :  _You’re not having sex, husband._

 **From Natasha** :  _Also, apologies everyone. I’m sure you’re all trying to enjoy post Valentines Day bliss, but Clint is one of those rare males that does not in fact fall asleep right after sex and instead gets perkier and perkier with each round._

 **From Steve** :  _How many rounds did it take to make him this perky?_

 **From Steve** :  _You know what, comment withdrawn, I don’t want to know._

 **From Clint** :  _FOUR! FOUR ROUNDS!_

 **From Steve** :  _Damn it I said I didn’t want to know._

 **From Thor:**   _CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS NATASHA!_

 **From Clint** :  _Why does Natasha get the sexual prowess award?_

 **From Natasha** :  _Thank you Thor, I take great pride in my ability to reduce my husband to a giggly dumb mess post sex._

 **From Tony** :  _Well we all know how Clint and Tasha’s night went. Steve? Thunder Thighs? How was your night?_

 **From Thor** :  _MOST EXCELLENT! NO ONE IS AS PERFECT AS MY LOVE! HIS BEAUTY WOULD LAUNCH A THOUSAND SHIPS!_

 **From Bucky** :  _What does that even mean?_

 **From Tony** : _It means that you need to step up your romance game Buck. You’ve never compared me to Helen of Troy._

 **From Bucky** :  _Who_?

 **From Tony** :  _Never mind. And thank you for not typing out confused face emoji_

 **From Clint** :  _HAHA! Middle finger emoji, Frosty!_

 **From Bucky** :  _Natasha, on a scale of ‘shoulder punch’ to ‘snapping my neck’ how much trouble would I be in for beating the hell outta your husband?_

 **From Natasha** :  _After how great last night was? Don’t even look at him wrong. I will poison you six different ways._

 **From Bucky** :  _Noted. Shrug emoji. Moving on._

 **From Steve** :  _Tony make him stop._

 **From Thor** :  _I cannot help but notice that neither Sam nor Bruce are engaging in our morning chat, yet their names on the list. Where are they?_

 **From Tony** :  _What happened to the all caps, Point Break_

 **From Thor** :  _Steven changed my phone._

 **From Bucky** :  _Thumbs up emoji, Steve_

 **From Steve** :  _OH MY GOD._

 **From Natasha** :  _Wait, really where is Sam and Bruce? There are at least five things they should have objected to by now._

 **From Tony** :  _Objected strenuously. Remember when Bruce said that? ‘I object strenuously’. Classic._

 **From Clint** :  _Do you think it has something to do with Sam asking Bruce out the other day?_

 **From Bucky** :  _He didn’t like… officially ask Bruce out. I talked to him about it, told him that Bruce wasn’t into that sort of thing._

 **From Thor** :  _What sort of thing?_

 **From Bucky** :  _Sex. Or relationships. He doesn’t really do that sort of thing._

 **From Thor** : _A man of Bruce’s genius and good looks should have no shortage of partners and yet he chooses to abstain? I admire his restraint._

 **From Tony** :  _I don’t thing… I mean, I feel like it’s not Bruce choosing to abstain it’s more like–_

 **From Tony** :  _Actually, no it’s fine. Bruce is a genius and a hottie, I’d be all over that if I thought I had a chance._

 **From Bucky** :  _Thanks, babe. Thumbs up emoji._

 **From Steve** :  _BUCKY_!

 **From Clint:**   _BUCKY_!

 **From Natasha** :  _OH MY GOD BUCKY CUT THAT SHIT OUT_

************

Sam barely looked away from the TV when the living room door opened and Bucky and Tony peeked their heads in.

“Yo.” He waved over his shoulder. “How was your guy’s night? Everybody good and sexed the hell up?” Bruce made a disgruntled noise and Sam corrected. “Everybody good and loved the hell up?”

“Uh, hey guys.” Tony shuffled in quietly, Bucky close behind and Bruce grinned a little when one by one the rest of the team followed– first Natasha and Clint, then Steve and after another moment, Thor. “What um– Whatcha doing?”

“Watching a movie.” Bruce answered casually, unwrapping a piece of chocolate and popping it in his mouth. “What are you guys doing?”

“No no.” Clint shook his head. “No no, you guys don’t get to ask questions. Not when all of this–” he motioned around the living room. “–not when the living room looks like this. What the hell happened last night?”

“Nothing happened last night.” Sam said calmly, ripping the top off a box of candy hearts and emptying the whole thing into his mouth. “Nothing at all.” Then to Bruce– “Why do people eat these? They taste like Tums. Or chalk. Yeah, I think this pink one tastes exactly like the chalk my sister used to play with.”

“Probably to delay all the heartburn from the ridiculous amount of chocolate they consume.” Bruce felt around the couch and grabbed a bag of peppermint patties. “It’s not the worst plan, you know. By the way, did you really eat your sisters chalk?”

“Yeah, it was supposed to be a joke, crumbled up her chalk and sprinkled it on her dinner.” Sam explained. “Except my dad didn’t think it was as funny as I did, so I had to eat it instead. Anyway, I’m saying this one?” he held up one of the tiny candies. “Tastes exactly like that did. Reduces heartburn my ass, it might actually stop my heart because it’s not actually food. Is this supposed to be self care? Eating tiny hearts that say dumb things?”

“Nah.” Bruce shook his head, sipping at his green tea. “Just another weird thing that we all eat because commercials and society tell us it’s expected on this ridiculous holiday. But if people want to do it to make themselves feel better? Reading messages like ‘u r sweet’ and all that? Who are we to judge their version of self care? They aren’t hurting anyone or offending anyone and if it helps their day then why not?”

“You are so much deeper than I thought you were.” Sam commented easily, snagging a lollipop in a horrifying ‘Cherry Love’ flavor. “I knew you were smart but you have this whole view of society that’s just–”

“You guys are really gonna sit here chatting about how you view society as if there isn’t a big ass giraffe in the corner?” Clint interrupted. “Just going to talk about chalk like there isn’t a six foot tall stuffed giraffe in the worst shade of Pepto Bismol Pink I’ve ever seen, wearing a glittery bow tie and grinning at me, which is frankly terrifying because I didn’t know giraffe had that many teeth. Just gonna sit here and let that happen, huh?”

“I don’t see what the problem is.” Bruce said slowly, blinking up at Clint as if entirely unaware of the absurdity of the situation. “Sam, do you see a problem?”

“Nah.” Sam shook his head and shifted on the couch so he could retrieve a bag of red and pink marshmallows. “Ain’t no problem.”

“Nope.” Tony cut in, pausing the movie and standing in front of the couch. “What the hell are you two doing? Why is there so much candy in here? I’d like to repeat Clint’s question and ask why is there a six foot tall stuffed giraffe in the corner, and also, I need a bunch more answers to literally everything.”

“They were out of stuffed bears.” Sam answered, as if that explained anything in the slightest. “So we had to settle for a giraffe.”

“Nope.” From Natasha this time. “Try again. From the beginning. What happened with you two last night?”

“Nothing happened last night!” Bruce insisted. “When you say it like that, it makes this sound sordid! And cheap!”

“And if there are two words that don’t describe me–” Sam pointed a candy bar at them. “It’s sordid and cheap.”

“Is that just your opinion?” Bucky snarked. “Or can the rest of us weigh in?” A spray of heart shaped Starburst bounced harmlessly off of his chest and Bucky rolled his eyes at the less than stellar attempt to shut him up. “You throw like a toddler, Sam.”

“You look like a toddler.” Sam retorted and when Bruce grimaced, Sam nodded in resignation. “Yep, not my best reply, I know.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t sound sordid if we knew what  _this_  was.” Steve cut in. “Because right now we’re all fairly confused.”

“Alright, not that it’s any of your business.” Sam narrowed his eyes at the group. “But I woke Bruce up very early this morning for a bromantic non-date.”

“A bromantic–” Tony sighed. “What does that even mean?”

“It means we went around to the grocery stores at like five am and got all the Valentines Day stuff for half off.” Bruce supplied, rustling through the bag at his feet and triumphantly showing them Valentines Day themed socks. “These were only two bucks! Can you believe it?”

“Uh yep.”

“Definitely.”

“I think they  _over_  charged you for it, actually.”

“Do you have underwear that matches?”

“Sure do.” Sam tugged at the waistband of a pair of red boxers. “We are awesome together.”

“So you two just–” Natasha motioned between them. “– got up early, binged on discounted candy and novelty items and now are watching terrible rom coms?”

“Yep.” A firm nod. “Valentines Day isn’t just for people who have other people to do the naked dance of the beast with two backs.” Bruce snorted a laugh and Sam grinned. “We non two humpers also enjoy the shenanigans.”

Silence in the room for a minute or two, before Thor announced, “A wonderful idea! I will join you!” and both Sam and Bruce screamed when a few hundred pounds of demi god landed square in the middle of the couch, grabbing armfuls of candy and digging right in.

“Yeah alright.” Bucky shrugged and hauled Tony with him to the recliner, snatching a bag of chocolate hearts as he went, and Clint and Natasha were right behind him, snuggling up on the smaller love seat with several boxes of candy hearts.

“Look babe.” Clint showed Nat the mint green colored heart. “‘I’m N 2 U’.”

“Aw.” Natasha popped the candy in her mouth and kissed him sweetly. “I’m in to you too, husband.”

“Happy Valentines Day, sweet thing.” Bucky whispered, unwrapping a piece of chocolate and feeding it to Tony. “I love you.”

“Mmmm, love you too Brooklyn.” Tony snuggled in close and turned the volume up on the TV.

“Happy Valentines Day, beloved.” Thor rumbled, licking the sweetness from Steve’s lips. “The first of many.”

“First of many.” Steve promised. “I love you.’

 **From Clint** :  _Okay but really we’re all going to ignore the big giraffe?_

 **From Natasha** :  _Just let it go sweetheart_

 **From Bucky** :  _No, I’ll admit I’m pretty curious too._

 **From Steve** :  _It was probably Sam. He buys stupid stuff all the time._

 **From Sam** :  _I resent that._

 **From Thor** :  _I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A GIRAFFE HAS TO DO WITH THIS HOLIDAY_

 **From Tony** :  _Absolutely nothing. A giraffe has absolutely nothing to do with Valentines Day. Brucie bear, explain the giraffe._

 **From Bruce** :  _It’s my Valentines Day present from Sam. He has a giant koala bear, we stuck it to the windows outside like it’s hanging out on bamboo._

 **From Sam** :  _It’s literally the best thing anyone has ever bought me. This is a great Valentines Day._

 **From Bucky** :  _Awww. Look at you two. Adorable. Heart emoji!_

 **From Sam** :….  _what_?

 **From Tony** :  _Ignore him, we had sex in a waterfall last night, he’s still a little loopy._

 **From Bucky** :  _Thumbs up emoji_

 **From Tony** :  _I give up._


End file.
